It's a rainy week, this first full week of January. Kids are back in school (reluctantly). I'm back at work (finding a spot in a local coffee shop) to work on my
Life Journal and ponder how God wants me to lead His church @
Radiant Life Fellowship.
My mind is flooded with a wide range of awe and wonder, mixed with fear, disappointment and insecurities. In
bullet-point fashion, here are a few of the things I pulled out of my
mixed bag of ponderings. 1)
Gratitude. To God for the wife He picked out for me. I know it's because my parents and Jenny's parents were praying for our spouses since we were both very young.
2)
Pride. God-like pride in our family. What a blessing.
3)
Blessed. To have journeyed into a church plant with such beautiful, wonderful, fun, generous, loving, honest people--church planters, themselves. I love them.
4)
Hurt. It's hard not to take it personal when someone you care about, have a relationship with (and have invested in) says (after coming to our church for a while) "Your church is just not for us at this time." Maybe they don't say it that bluntly, but the sentiment is the same. It hurts and there's no way around it.
5)
Surprised. I guess I'm a dreamer. I had this idea (and it was based on lots of conversations) that planting a church would "free the caged bird" (so to speak) that I had observed was locked up inside so many of the people around me. Including me. People who have tremendous potential, desire, will, drive, motivation and guts to break heaven wide open. But are stuck on the church treadmill, finding value and significance in doing church instead of being the church.
6)
Wondering. How do I crack the codes? How can I do a better job of communicating (and showing by example) where I sense God is leading our church? How can I crack the code to get these church planters of
Radiant Life Fellowship to confidently be the church among those who are not yet Jesus followers? What's the best use of my time, resources, talents and leadership when it comes to leading Radiant Life Fellowship?
7)
Insecure. With certain friends we've journeyed with for over 12 years in youth ministry, the moment I shared my dream of planting a church (like it could become a reality) there was an instant change in our relationship. Things we enjoyed in a friendship that was based on mutual love, respect and experiences all of a sudden seemed to be eclipsed by questions of "What do you believe about..." and "What kind of church...". Some close friends moved themselves from insiders (related to our family and planting a church) to casual observers from a distance. I realize just how many insecurities I carry with me based on what others "might" be thinking.
8)
Dependency. All this has forced me to my knees as I ponder the question that God keeps putting in front of me -- "Am I enough?" God seems to be asking me: "Chris, do you really believe (and live like) I am good?" "And if so, am I enough for you?"
9)
Fear. I live with real fears even though I know in my head that I should "fear not". I find that my Joy is in direct proportion to my fear.
10)
Desire. I desperately want to live a life that matters and
catches the eye of God. I want to risk more. Love more. Give more. I want to do something significant, with my one and only life, for the Kingdom of God.
11)
Hope. Change is possible. God is on the move. Tomorrow does not have to be just an extension of today. I appreciate the gift of Hope.
So, there you have it-A mixed bag of stuff...now, somewhat, unpacked in front of you.
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:9-11)